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cruelty is so easy. youre not special for choosing it
"The trouble is that we have a bad habit, encouraged by pedants and sophisticates, of considering happiness as something rather stupid. Only pain is intellectual, only evil interesting. This is the treason of the artist; a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain."
-Ursula K. LeGuin, The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas
You know, when I see fictional characters who repress all their emotions, they're usually aloof and very blunt about keeping people at a distance, sometimes to an edgy degree—but what I don't see nearly enough are the emotionally repressed characters who are just…mellow.
Think about it. In real life, the person that's bottling up all their emotions is not the one that's brooding in the corner and snaps at you for trying to befriend them. More often than not, it's that friendly person in your circle who makes easy conversation with you, laughs with you, and listens and gives advice whenever you're upset. But you never see them upset, in fact they seem to have endless patience for you and everything around them—and so you call them their friend, you trust them. And only after months of telling them all your secrets do you realize…
…they've never actually told you anything about themselves.
mabinogifantasylife asked:
⭐⭐⭐ real talk i have been dying to chat with you about ur writing but i've been so "AHHH" about it
noitar-arat answered:
AAAAH myself to you too😭
Director’s Cut
Hmm I definitely have a lot to say about some of my fics, but for today I’ll talk about “Matter of Honor” because that was my first vaynemille fic and apparently the one most peeps know me for (to the point I saw one peep brought it up in official server and my soul proceeded to leave my body pls why must you mention it in official)
A-hem
Back when I first played g22-g23, being a fresh returnee to mabi, I never got a chance to grieve over Talvish because the moment Vayne appeared oh boy the effect he had on me…the design(I’m weak towards edgy looking bastards), how the dialogue constantly states he stares at your milletian…THE TOUCHING OF FACE AND HIS STUPID SMILE….a-hem. The point is I was falling HARD and what better way besides making fanart to express how much I adored this bastard.
Write fanfic! Smut fanfic! Though the actual smut is like waaaay at the end and is like three paragraphs top at best!!But! That was my goal, to portray the slow burn desire that transpires between Vayne and the millet. In this case my millet but not millet Elise!
(The face of a fool with horrible taste in men)
I’m sure I already talked plenty about Ellie before so I’ll keep this part brief, but one of her most defining traits is that she can be quite the pushover and is always the one to suggest giving people a chance (even if said people might not deserve it. Something she needs to learn coughs).
Vayne, as much as her passive ass does irritate him, he does use it to his advantage as he sees fit. Like arriving at her doorstep, drenched in dirt and blood knowing full well her kind nature won’t reject him.
Any sane person would have prolly chased Vayne out of their farm with a shotgun (atleast that’s what I would do if I saw a freaky guy clad in demonic armor standing on my porch) but alas my poor fool of course lets him in. Once that door closes, here is where their dance begins as Elise immediately becomes overwhelmed by the scent of blood and the implications of said blood (did I mention she has a murder fetish, people always freak out about this over her cannibalism for some reason shrugs).
I realize now we never learn what his exact duties are as a member of the BMO at the time I wrote this, but I always figured Vayne had to at least have taken part in hunting down potential victims for the cult or spies trying to infiltrate the order. I don’t believe now with everything we know that he does mindless killing BUT…he is(was) the Destroyer, was responsible for the biggest war that transpired in erinn(not to mention setting lose the dragon in Tara castle).
But going back to the start of the dance, Elise is busy having an internal battle with herself for desiring Vayne SPECIFICALLY when he has freshly killed someone as she already struggles enough as it is it’s desiring her enemy in general. I could go into a tangent about this, but basically Elise has always had a morbid fascination with violence, not on a massive scale but more personal 1 versus 1 kind of situation. Is part of the reasons she first became drawn towards Vayne, sensing immense power from him, later for him to confirm to her he is a hardened warrior just piqued her interest more. And her interest becomes piqued once more.
We enter now the next scene where the dance prepares to escalate, inside the washroom where everything transpires. I had a lot of brainstorming concerning where they were gonna do the do, originally it was going to be a bathtub since that is usually the norm in medieval times and the positioning required would be easier with their height difference.
But I thought about it more, I truly wanted a claustrophobic setting with Elise trapped and personal space non existent between them to make it more intense. So after a lot of thinking it over(and doodling it) I went with the small shower stall route. And I know a shower stall may seem modern, but like, this game is still a fantasy world with a lot of inventions that would have never existed in medieval Ireland. So I took liberties and figured Elise would have eventually discovered how to set up a magic plumbing system. The fountains in Tara and Belfast imply a plumbing system does exist already, at least in the cities.
Here we enter the first escalation as Vayne is being his charming self and offering some major insight on how he got his very tiny injury. And because he is a perfectly normal gentleman he uses it as opportunity for roleplay and he just so happens to have the best rp partner for it.
Look at her, getting into character so quickly, a dream rp partner /s
Sadly the roleplaying doesn’t end well, as Ellie tries one last futile attempt to kick him out (I’ve been writing post g25 Ellie a lot and I realize she would have set him on fire at this point otl). It doesn’t work obviously, this is a smut fic and I must build it up and the pretense of trying to get rid of him, which SHE can..if she truly wanted, is just part of it as we get balls deep into it.
Hehe get it, balls, cuz he took off his pants-shot-
This part was my favorite to write the inner conflict Ellie is having here as she has to battle between keeping her pride and not allow herself to be pushed around anymore or embrace her craving for intimacy. The rest of the fic deals with it as these idiots are just challenging each other to see who is the most horniest (both, both of them are just different ways to portray it). Either way I just realized both situations could have been wins, she gets dick regardless at the end.
Anywho, that’s it for my commentary, and rereading the fic again there’s so much I need to rewrite sobs
Some sweet candies
I need to talk more about the scene where Rin hugs Sakura, I still have some leftover thoughts on it from before.
Like, just the fact that she knows she’s going to die, and just accepts it. And the way that parallels the moment where Shirou is about to kill her. How she’ll be fine, because she’s used to being hurt by others.
And maybe she’s happy dying as long as it means it’s done by someone she cares about.
And she shouldn’t be surprised Rin wants to kill her, I mean, Rin hates her, right? At least as far as Sakura thinks.
The way you can really see how Sakura sees Rin and how she really thinks she needs to die, and has no real complaints about it. That’s why her asking if it’s okay for her to live and Shirou telling her that it is, is so important. Because she thinks she needs to die, because she’s used to being hurt.
And then her realization that Rin didn’t kill her, Rin showed her kindness. And she just doesn’t understand, but Rin, who she’s convinced hates her, just hugged her and couldn’t go through with the deed.
And then Rin tells her that she always wanted the best for her, always cared for her, even if she didn’t seem to show it. She finally shows her love and wishes she could have saved her earlier.
It’s the conclusion of Rin’s character arc. She overcomes her inability to really show weakness and emotion and finally tells someone that she truly cares for them, finally tells her sister what she’s wanted to hear for over a decade.
And it’s absolutely beautiful.
This is why I don’t consider UBW as Rin’s route, because she never really opens up in that route. That route is more about Archer than Rin, but here in HF, she goes through some serious development and really opens herself up emotionally, even if it takes almost killing her sister for her to come realize it.